Honest Feedback
Years ago I attended a series of workshops that extended over a period of time so that the participants really got to know each other fairly well. One of the “benefits” this workshop offered each of us was the opportunity to receive Honest Feedback from the other participants about our first impression of each other, and how we come across to each other. This seemed a bit harsh and difficult at the time, but I could see how it could be valuable as well…
The feedback I got was that I came across as “fake” and “plastic,” as if I was trying very hard to appear intellectual and cover up some insecurity. What a lousy first impression! In contrast, how I was coming across as they got to know me was a fun, friendly, caring and happy person. Wow! I was frustrated about the initial feedback and offended because I didn’t have any idea how to change it. “I am intelligent!” I fumed in my mind. “I’m not faking that, and I am a happy, fun person.” I wanted them to tell me something useful, not judge me. “But am I confident or insecure? Am I trying to hide something,” I asked myself?
It was good for me to get frustrated, and really think these things through. My conclusion was that I had no control over the way others see me; and I decided, “If you can’t see me for who I am, it’s your problem!” The inability to find a solution stuck in my craw and deep down inside I knew it was indeed MY problem.
One day, months later, I was fixing my makeup and hair in preparation to go somewhere. As I looked back at myself and examined the “mask” I had just created, I suddenly saw what they had been seeing at that workshop. I looked as if I was a cool, calm, and collected individual. I had made the effort to look sleek, stylish, and chic. Definitely proper. (All good things, right?) But then, did I look hard? Like maybe I was trying too hard… to cover up what?
Instantly I understood that I’m responsible for the image I project to the world. It’s not “their problem.” I actually liked myself, so why was I trying so hard to appear to be something different? The image I had created didn’t match ME on the inside. It was a nice image, but it was incongruent with the fun, happy, free person I am.
I knew I had to do something right away to change the way I looked, and more clearly represent myself to the world. I went and got a haircut that looked much more “free-form” and fun. It’s not about a hairdo, clothes, or makeup, you understand. It’s about having the ability to honestly and fearlessly portray my inner reality in an outward way. If I express myself in a message sent with hair, clothes, or makeup the point is that I'm responsible to send a message that is a congruent representation of who I really am. Then I will be understood.
Being authentic is the goal!
My favorite comment during the days immediately after getting my new hairdo was, “Hey- I like the new ‘do’! You look like a ‘fun girl!’”
Guess what? I am.